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B-Movie-Palooza II

To explain: For some odd reason the group of us (James, Ade, Nat, Mat, Dave and Allison) enjoy renting god-awful movies, mostly from the eighties. Most of our choices include ludicrous titles with equally ludicrous plots, or the sequels to such films. Most of these movies are ones that are made direct to video (or at least I hope so with some of them). These are the B-Movies!
The tradition of wasting summer with b-movies for days at a time began several years ago with the renting of "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" and the absolutely terrible "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator". The tradition is now continued. In this section we will introduce some of the films we watch. Enjoy.

There are 2 different categories of ratings:
1.Quality: how it stands as a movie in general;
2.How it stands as a B-Movie
---both of which will be out of 5 bloody axes (original, no?)

Chopping Mall
The odd thing about this movie: absolutely no chopping! What's up with that?! Anywho, it's basically the same old tired "robots supposed to protect us go crazy and kill us" movie, so not too much originality. Though, the robots were called "Killbots" so that was pretty cool. Also, the explosion quota was more than met. No real point to it though, just explosions and really stupid people causing them.
1. Quality: 1.5 bloody axes
2. as a B-Movie: 4 bloody axes

Jack Frost
Premise: a killer is about to be executed when in a freak car crash he is sprayed with geneticly changing acid (or something) and is mutated in to a snowman. Then he finds his way to the humble town of Snowmonton (ironic, no?) where his killign spree begins. And, as if that weren't enough: the FBI is behind the whole thing! Obviously.
Good points: it tried to be funny instead of scary, which with the original idea, I gotta think was a good way to go.
1. Quality: 2 bloody axes
2. as a B-Movie: 3.5 bloody axes

Uncle Sam: I Want You... Dead
I don't really know what to say about this one. It was made by the same people who made Jack Frost, and they seem to have a thing for really insane plots that don't make a lot of sense. In this one, a soldier comes back from the gruelling and terrible... Kuwaiti war (gasp!) and kills "unpatroitic Americans"... originally. Then, he just starts killing random people. The twist: he does all this dressed as noneother than "Uncle Sam" (red, white and blue top-hat and all). The reason for this: his name is Sam, and his nephew is the main character, making him "Uncle Sam"... cute.
1. Quality: 3 bloody axes
2. as a B-Movie: 3 bloody axes

Don't Go in the Woods
I'm pretty sure that we could make a better movie than this one. It is the essence of the b-movie; terrible acting, no real plot, no real characters, no explanations. It's just people (who don't really have any point in the first place) getting killed in the woods by, what we all assumed to be, a hermit (it was a guy covered in dirt, but it never actually said what he was... that would have required effort!). But, all in all, I think close to 20 people were brutally killed for no reason, as many weren't even found or known about.
Good Points: the theme song is a sing-along style kids song. It doesn't fit, and so adds to the hilarity.
1. Quality: 1.5 bloody axes ('cause they tried)
2. as a B-Movie: 5 bloody axes

Basket Case 3
This one was just pretty damn bad. It was just full of dumb costumes and insane characters (many of whom did nothign but stand around and look weird). Yeah... it's in ranks with the lowest of the low "Stephanie".
1. Quality: 0 bloody axes (for shame!)
2. as a B-Movie: 2 bloody axes

Scarecrow
Okay, the thing with this movie is, on the back of the box, it says that "there is a bank robbery." But, when the movie starts, there is no actual meniton of a bank robbery. The characters just have a pile of money for some reason. We only really noticed this because me and Nat both read the box, but Dave didn't, and was thus confused. Then a couple of dozen scarecrows kill them all... for some reason... Also, it kept showing thsi picture fo 3 people... also for some undisclosed reason...
1. Quality: 1 bloody axe
2. as a B-Movie: 4 bloody axes these plot holes and inconsistancies spell B-Movie gold!

The Carpenter
This one is weird. First fo all, it's Canadian, and thats' never good for the 80's. Secondly, it falls into the unused genre of B-Movie-Love story. Wha? But yes. A ghost carpenter falls in love with a woman livign in the house he built, and kills (in a very gentlemanly/hilarious manner) everyone who treats her badly. The ending is too bizarre and stupid to explain, so I won't bother.
1. Quality: 2 bloody axes for an 80's Canadian movie, it's not bad.
2. as a B-Movie: 2.5 bloody axes the deaths were all pretty funny, but there's a reason B-Movies aren't supposed to be romantic.

Darkness Falls
Okay, the thing is, this movie starts off with a really good concept (kinda taking off Freddy, but a few steps farther) but, with just 30 minutes of getting completely away from the title of "B-Movie", it seems the writers stopped, looked at one another and said, "Hey, ya know what I miss? Jason movies!" which is pretty much what this one becomes, which for this one, just didn't seem to work. Good attempt at the modern B-Movie though!
1. Quality: 3.5 bloody axes as it was pretty good, except the ending and the make-up.
2. as a B-Movie: 2 bloody axes probably would have been better if they didn't "go in this direction".

PSYCHOCOP (reviewed by Alicia Penney)
This guy, who used to be a cop, abandons his job and starts worshiping Satan.... just as he starts his killing spree, a group of crazy teenagers decide to go for a crazy weekend vacation at an old house in the woods. It is totally shot to look horrible on purpose... some scenes have windows showing darkness through them, then in the next scene there is bright light streaming through them. Highlights include: the number 666 tattooed (see: written in pen) on the psychocop’s hand, the fact that the six of them are drinking beer in every scene, and then halfway through the movie they realize their beer is gone, and assume that it was stolen (“something must be up! We couldn’t have drunk a case and half already!”), and the ending - badly injured guy throws a blunt stick THROUGH the killer.... later on he (of course) looks at the camera and smiles evilly. Pure hilarious perfection.
1. Quality: 1 bloody axe there wasn’t really a story, mostly it was just them realizing they lost something and going outside (in the dark), or telling their friends that there was nothing to worry about.
2. as a B-movie: 4.5 bloody axes it was hilarious, and the whole movie made little to no sense. I highly recommend it to everyone.