B-Movie-Palooza III: Born With the Name of Tim
Usually when I watch a random b-movie, it would find it’s way to “B-Movie-Palooza II” started well over a year ago. However, this year, the tradition of bad-movies finally held true on the Halloween/Birthday Party weekend - with 4 movies that can be considered nothing else than the elusive B-Movie (as per usual, all found and the beautiful and wonderful Sydney Video, in beautiful down-town Sydney River - where the B-Movie is king!)
This time around, we’ll be doing things a little different, as B-Movie Palooza was pretty haphazard, and didn’t really stick to any particular format (not that I figure this one will, I imagine it’ll change whenever it is added to, but anyways...). This time we’ll be giving more of a major review of the film - highlights, lowlights (which are usually just really lame highlights), a tad bit of a plot summary, maybe some pictures, and other such things.
Of course we’ll be keeping our patented scale for judgement of said movies of the “B” as well, which is:
1.Quality: how it stands as a movie in general;
2.How it stands as a B-Movie
---both of which will be out of 5 bloody axes (original, no?)
LET THE FUN BEGIN! IT’S B-MOVIE-PALOOZA III!!!!
The Unearthing
Okay, I really should not have picked this one to be the first with the new format. Oh well, here goes nothing (more literal than you assume). This movie (yet another fabulous CanCon feature) was about a family of Filipino vampire-like creatures with very long tongue-things that they use occasionally, on very odd occasions. They get this girl (through legal means, I think, though there may have been a bit of black-market business going on, who really cares?), impregnate her, and then proceed to try to kill her. Winner. The ending was the most confusing thing I’ve ever seen... straight out of “Stuff Stephanie...”
Highlights: the attempted and failed “jump-around-the-corner-to-scare-the-girl bit; the random hoe (the farm tool) killings; chainsaws that run on their own freewill; and the closing credits (ooh, take that crappy movie!)
Lowlights: pretty much take up the rest of the movie.
1. Quality: 0.5 bloody axes
2. as a B-Movie: 2 bloody axes (it was mostly unenjoyable, with a few laughs)
The Unnameable 2
A... let’s say “chilling” tale by HP Lovecraft, that doesn’t involve water creatures like Dagon (who, as a cat, rules). A demon-chick is... somewhere, let out from the now cliche “Necronomicon,” and kills John Rhys Davies. Why John, why? There’s a ghost for no real reason, a naked chick, and mystery-solving college kids. Very much so like an episode of Scooby-Doo... with a naked chick... The thing is, it actually wasn’t as predictable as we all assumed it to be (so I won’t give much of the plot, in case you do actually feel like getting it, based soley on this review). There was a cute little love story going on throughout that actually led to some okay comedy relief (is there really a need for comic relief in b-movies?)
Highlights: conveniently placed hair; people’s reactions to the demon; John Rhys Davies and a naked chick in the same scene but mostly the “demon-chair” (brilliant!)
1. Quality: 3 bloody axes (had some genuine funny moments)
2. as a B-Movie: 3 bloody axes
Unborn 2
Apparently the downfall of society as we know it, and a making of hell on earth is going to be brought about by super-intelligent babies. Or , so we would be led to believe by this gem. The story follows this woman who kills evil babies for a living, Terminator style (with the shades and everything) and another woman who is the mother of one of the evil babies. The baby is awesome - he’s only 6 months old, but he’s about 3 feet tall, and looks like a gargoyle. With a giant protruding jaw. Apparently when yer super-intelligent, you eat blood, and bite people to death. Wild, huh? Also - Nick from “Family Ties” is in this. w00t! Just one-uped X-E! Sorry X-E... I still love you. PS - this is yet another Canadian fliq.
Highlights: that baby; the maternity ward shoot-out; the mom kicking the crap out of her baby.
Lowlights: it took too long to actually show the damn baby!
1. Quality: 2.5 bloody axes
2. as a B-Movie: 3.5 bloody axes
Dolls
I love this movie. Killer dolls that are actually elves, that were originally people who were mean to their kids, and then kill other people who are now mean to their kids. Complicated, but brilliant. All orchestrated by a lovely British couple, who are now my favorite people on earth. People keep showing up at the toy maker’s mansion, as their cars conveniently break down and whatnot. This one was just really funny/corny, which is always fun. I just love it when retarded people are in these movies who know they’re gonna die; can stop the means of their death; have plenty of time to run away, but die anyways. Thanks British prostitutes (there were a lot of British people in this one...)
Highlights: As mentioned, the British couple; the shrugging grizzly bear; the toy soldiers’ execution; people dying from very tiny stab-wounds
Lowlights: the fact that the evil step-mother WASN’T bald; the little girl who looked an awful lot like a little boy with a wig (specifically the little boy that used to be a friend of Michelle on “Full House”)
1. Quality: 3 bloody axes
2. as a B-Movie: 4 bloody axes