B-Movie-Palooza IV: Too Many Movies!
Sadly, Halloween has come and gone, as it does every year. However, with the passing of that,
the most ghoulish of holidays comes the excuse for one of the greatest regular events in the
history of thePS! Yes folks, it’s time once again for... B-Movie-Palooza! Once again gotten
from the wonderful back-wall of Sydney Video in beautiful downtown Sydney River (by far the
best place for movies of this kind, in my opinion).
This time, the offer was too irresistible to pass up: “7 Movies for 7 Days - $10" How could we
possibly lose with this kinda deal! Well, we lost in that 1 of the movies sadly was left
unwatched, but it meant 6 movies (or approx. 9 hours!) of cinematic wonder, spanning mine/Erin's Birthday party, and Halloween! A huge plus for all
concerned, really. I doubt the 7th could have topped the others anyways.
Of course, as per usual, we’ll be keeping our patented scale for judgement of said movies of the
“B” as well, which is:
1.Quality: how it stands as a movie in general;
2.How it stands as a B-Movie
---both of which will be out of 5 bloody axes (original, no?)
Rumplestilskin
Our first movie of the day was part of our first series “children’s stories gone bad,” and basically
took off from where the regular story ended. Well, first it changed it, then it moved on. In this
version, Rumps stole the kid anyways, even after his name was said, so a witch put a spell on
him turning him into a little rock. Long story short, about 500 years passes, and Rumply is
brought back, and wants to take another child. Now, however, he has an array of powers, except
he never uses them until he really doesn’t need to anymore. Like, he uses them to kill people for
no reason, as opposed to those where it would have been useful. Also, he used a strange mix of
period English, and modern with such gems as, (as entering a Mack Truck), “This is my kind of
chariot... made in America - just the way I like it!” Chariot does not go with America! Think
man, think! The thing that confused me most was, if Rumps was real here, was the famous story
there too? Yes, it was! Yet no one knew the damn thing! Then, when they DID read it, they
STILL couldn’t figure out how to stop him! Idiots!
Highlights: by far the best highlights of this one were the fact that the baby’s name was
Jon Stewart (a fact that got past no one), and the “electric zombie” (one of the little used powers
that Rumpsy had). Also, the fact that I missed a fair sized chunk, because Kris had just brought
me a dead crab was pretty funny.
Lowlights: for some odd reason, though saying his name in the intro didnt’ work, it did
quite easily at the end. Lovely.
1. Quality: 3 bloody axes Pretty good production and neat costumes.
2. as a B-Movie: 2.5 bloody axes Too good...
Pinnochio’s Revenge
The other from the same “series” as the last one, this movie concerned a puppet (named
Pinnochio, oddly enough) who, I guess makes children kill people. Or, he turns into the
children... or the children are just crazy. We couldn’t quite figure it out with this one, actually,
and it led to lots of debate. However, it DID have the toughest little girl alive. In the first half
(as she was written out of the second) she got: pushed down, half her ear bitten off, thrown off a
bike, and run over by a damn bus! And she was fine! That made this movie great.
Highlights: Nothing really tops the little girl on this one. Except the random shots of
Pinnochio’s eyes. They’re highly creepy.
Lowlights: What the hell even happened?! It didn’t really say. Plus, was it a sequel or
not? I dunno.
1. Quality: 2 bloody axes Pretty bad puppet animatronics.
2. as a B-Movie: 3 bloody axes For the mighty girl! She earns a star.
Flesh-Eating Mothers
How would you describe the perfect sunrise? Or the beginning of time for that matter? You
now find yerself in the same boat as me with this one. Flesh-Eating Mothers was the CLEAR
winner this year. Worst acting I’ve seen in years, and it got right to the non-sensical plot, which
was basically a horny guy was passing around an STD (though only to the town’s mothers) which
turned them into logical, yet still people-eating, zombies. That’s basically it. It was
glorious!
Highlights: Great lines are made even greater when there is absolutely NO skill used
with them. Lines such as, “Come on! We have to go - have to go.” And the perfectly calm, “I
saw my mom eat my baby brother.” Added to that, half-way through, we thought this was
essentially a sex-ed video. At the end, when they cured the disease with penicillin, and warned
against adultery and promiscuousness, it was basically proven. Also, the fact that the soundtrack
sounded like it was done entirely from Casio keyboard demos was solid gold.
Lowlights: I dare you to find a lowlight with this one.
1. Quality: 0.4 bloody axes worst acting ever
2. as a B-Movie: 5+ bloody axes If I could have given it 8, I would have.
Parents
Essentially, this movie sucked. It involved cannibal parents, and their mentally-challenged son
(centring on the son). However, it wasn’t funny... it was just creepy. The only really funny thing
was the soundtrack, which was 50s pop-rock. That is, up until the last 10 minutes when it
becomes a classic b-movie stab-chase. That’s always a winner. However, not even giving the
starring role to Randy Quaid (which they did!) Could pull this one out of the crapper.
Highlights: The end was pretty funny, as was the “living sausage” thing that tried to
strangle the kid, randomly. The mother was pretty hilarious throughout as well, as she was so
stereotypical “mom.”
Lowlights: It took about 75 minutes to get good.
1. Quality: 1 bloody axe Way too boring
2. as a B-Movie: 1 bloody axe Much the same.
Popcorn
This one’s plot was bizarre and a bit hard to follow, but I think I basically got the hang of it, in
10 easy steps!
1. Girl is having nightmares about a guy killing his family;
2. She is in a club that is putting on a Horror-Movie-athon;
3. They find a movie that is her dream;
4. It was done by some crazy guy who killed his family, at the movie’s debut and then died in a
fire there was well;
5. The guy shows up at the marathon;
6. He starts killing people;
7. The girl realizes she is the guy’s daughter;
8. The guy isn’t the guy at all, just some guy who was horribly burned in the same fire;
9. He was posing as her friend the whole time, and now wants to kill her;
10. He gets killed by a giant mechanical mosquito.
I’ll let you pick out yer own highlights and lowlights from that list.
1. Quality: 4 bloody axes This one was actually a pretty good "movie."
2. as a B-Movie: 2 bloody axes Average for B though. On par wth Jason or so.
Hollywood’s New Blood
Okay, so remember what I said about the terrible acting in “Flesh Eating Mothers”? Well, this
one comes pretty close to beating it. A bunch of actors are camping at a retreat out in the woods,
and people start killing them. For some odd reason, one of the actors knows who it is, and is
able to kill them after only losing 8 or 9 of his friends. Good job. Also, his reactions to his dead
friends was hilarious. Mostly grunts of what I guess could be called “rage” but seemed more like
mild discomfort - like from a tight seatbelt or something.
Highlights: One of the killers is defeated (yet not killed, and allowed to simply walk
away) by having his mother’s skull driven through his own face. It was a hilarious image, I
swear. Also, some of the lines were delivered great. WAY less emotion that from “FEM’s” but
I dunno... terrible is funny.
Lowlights: Everybody in this movie.
1. Quality: 0.5 bloody axes Good lord.
2. as a B-Movie: 5 bloody axes Much like, "Don't Go in the Woods" actually.