B-Movie-Palooza IX: The Competition

Further to that, since there are only two movies, instead of simply reviewing them, I will be placing them in a direct competition - head to head - in a number of categories. The winner will be named the worst movie of B-Movie-Palooza 9. And, with these options it's gonna be one hell of a competition. I'm sure you'll agree. Nine years?! Seriously?! Yup - it's time for B-Movie-Palooza 9!

Our competitors are:
Grizzly Park
and
Something Beneath

The categories will be:
1.The Box
2.Characters
3.Plot
4.Kills
5.Lines
6.As a Movie
7.As a B-Movie

Who will prevail?! Let's find out!

1. The Box - The box is incredibly important to the enjoyment of a good b-movie. This is especially true with these two movies. Often the boxes will include hilarious pictures, terrible promo shots, information that is vital to the plot that was otherwise forgotten in the actual film, etc. Sometimes they simply contain gold that makes them irresistible. This was never truer than with these movies.

Grizzly Park - The front of the box was nothing spectacular - a large bear head, mouth open, and scared looking teens. Sounds about right. It did however contain the tagline: "Eight troubled young people. Six days community service. It's gonna be a bear." What does that even mean?!

The true joy of this box (and the reason we got it) was in the back's synopsis which contained the line "Eight rotten-to-the-core bad-apples [...] under the supervision of the no-nonsense Ranger Bob." That's some quality promotion and summation. Bravo.

Something Beneath - This box was almost skipped entirely. It's nothing special. Just a girl getting dragged to her death in a swamp (note - this movie contained neither a swamp NOR the girl pictured). The back synopsis wasn't helping. Though it did characterize the main villain as "a slime-like creature." It's not slime - it's slime-LIKE. Big difference.

This was looking like a pass - that is until I read the line that has become my favorite combination of words ever: "... a brave priest (played by Kevin Sorbo, Hercules)..." Instant classic.

I'm gonna have to give this one to 'Grizzly Park' for its literally hours of amusement with that synopsis. Plus, they totally nailed it - Ranger Bob WAS no-nonsense. Which leads us to...

Grizzly Park - Five major points here:
1.They started with a serial killer (presumably to kill the main characters); he died in the first ten minutes AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HE WAS THERE!
2.Great names: a black character with the last name of 'Brown'; a white-supremacist with the last name of 'White.' Clever.
3.The main girl was an idiot. But she was just pretending. Even when she was alone and it harmed her. Yes.
4.The main killer was a Grizzly bear. There was also a wolf, but I honestly think he just wandered on to the set and they couldn't get rid of him. He was also never really mentioned (though he DID eat a girl and left only... the left side of her face... perfectly intact. Skilled wolf).
5.Ranger Bob was the most no-nonsense fella EVER. Trickster on the other hand was totally nonsense.

Something Beneath - This movie had about 158 characters - of which about 3 really mattered. But, all the stereotypes were there: The evil corporate guy in a wheelchair; his snivelling henchman who cares not for human lives; the dirty cop with a past; the bitchy superstar; the ambitious employee; the nerdy scientist; a second nerdy scientist that you think is the first scientist, but it isn't - they just look similar; the smart janitor; his idiot assistant who really knows nothing about being a janitor; a slime-like creature; and, of course, the brave priest played by Kevin Sorbo.

I think, once again, I have to give this one to 'Grizzly Park.' They nailed so much racism, idiocy, and no-nonsenseness in such neat little package. 'Something Beneath' - you're starting to fall behind, 2-0. Pick up the pace!

Grizzly Park - This movie spent - and I am sure of this, I checked - 80 minutes developing the characters and their relationships. This was their first meeting, and it was an odd situation. They were so different, yet they were forced to live together out in the woods for 6 days. They developed some strong friendships, some even stronger rivalries and outright hatreds, and even some underlying romance. People were re-thinking their beliefs and possibly thinking about turning their lives around. Then the producers realized they went through 80 minutes of a 90 minute movie and killed them all off in the last 10 minutes. Was anything resolved? No, of course not. That would have required either another 20 minutes of film or a lot less time spent on the waterfall-shower scene. I think we all win this way.

Something Beneath - The makers of this movie should totally sue M. Night Shyamalan for 'The Happening' as it's a very similar plot. In short, the environment gets pissed and releases toxins that play up people's fears... which then makes them die? Some of them the fears ACTUALLY kill them. Some of them, they kill themselves out of fear. It was never clear whether or not the thing was actually killing them or not, though it DID have a hand for 2 seconds, so it's possible. By the way, the long version of that synopsis is the exact same thing only it includes a slime-like monster. And who can stop this gigantic creature (by the way, it's gigantic) from killing everyone? Duh - a brave priest (as played by Kevin Sorbo) and a spunky hotel employee who knows some Aboriginal prayer or something. Yes - the creature is aboriginal... I guess.

The winner here? 'Grizzly Park' - I mean, what the hell even happened? Come one 'Something Beneath'! Are you bad at all?! Or... are you so bad that you have no redeeming qualities? I see the game you're playing, 'Something Beneath.' Kudos.

Grizzly Park - all of the main deaths (the serial killer killed 2 people early on, but they were useless and fairly standard -though they did lead to a great line) were caused by a bear and a wolf. This meant a lot of eating of people. The best ones being: a bear eating the face off a man, the wolf leaving only part of a face, and the death of Shedrack Anderson III. He was almost saved. He was pulled out a window by the bear, but somehow got away long enough to climb back in a bit (with a flappy-scalp-skull como). He COULD have pulled himself in with the help of the 2 remaining girls, but being Shedrack Anderson III opted instead to grab a boob and then die having accomplished something. Like a man.

Also, apparently the bear was under the command of Ranger Bob? Even to people who he didn't know were there. That is SO no-nonsense!

Something Beneath - as I mentioned, the deaths in this movie were never really made clear (and I'll explain why in a bit). Sometimes they killed themselves, sometimes they died by being frightened into a mistake, sometimes they died one way but were later found another way. Often this lead to twice the deaths than were expected.

However, the best death of the movie was also the very first one. It was a construction worker who was - apparently - afraid of... construction tools? He was trapped by three bulldozers (which were clearly the same bulldozer from different angles) which then tripped a wire and cuts his head clean off. What? It gets better. The crew then finds him... in a pit... impaled by spikes... with his head fully attached to his body. Exactly.

The winner this time is 'Something Beneath.' True, 'Grizzly Park' had the BETTER kills, but 'Something Beneath' had something better than 'better' - it had wide confusion. 3-1.

Grizzly Park - two great lines immediately jump to mind:
1.the serial killer poses as a guard to - presumably - get closer to the kids (??) he gets blood ALL OVER the uniform and is asked about it by numerous people. His answer: "It's yuh-hoo." Not only does he claim a huge blood stain is a beverage, not only is it fully accepted, but isn't the beverage "Yoo-hoo"? Nice.
2.After they're all dead, we jump to a reporter at the scene. She not only states that she is "live, from the woods," but she also has to deliver the chilling news: "8 people were murdered. Of the 8 people murdered, there were no survivors." That's unfortunate. Not only were they murdered, but they didn't even get to live to tell the tale of their own deaths. Just sad, really.

Something Beneath - Honestly, no great line jumps to mind with this movie. Wow - you really crapped out on this one, 'Something Beneath.' Well... it did have "Hippo?" That was pretty good, I guess. Still.

'Grizzly Park' clearly wins this one. 4-1. Geez.

Grizzly Park - it had a fairly decent look to it, and the sets and whatnot were all appropriate. The acting was - in every sense of the word - terrible. The bear looked cool though. Physics of mass and whatnot were not taken into consideration. Probably not Oscar-worthy.

Something Beneath - it had Kevin Sorbo as a brave priest.

Winner: Something Beneath.

Grizzly Park - terrible acting; terrible characters; ignored elements; ignored CHARACTERS; ignored physics; ignored plotlines; non-existent plotlines; boob-grab. B-MOVIE GOLD.

Something Beneath - the acting wasn't AS bad as 'Grizzly Park' but it was still pretty bad. Also, it was almost entirely Canadian. Is Kevin Sorbo Canadian? I hope so. Also, there's the fact that this was clearly made for TV. It had cut-scenes to lead into commercials and corresponding leads back from commercials. Yet, at the same time, I cannot find any trace of it ever APPEARING on TV. Wow - they made a made-for-TV movie that was too bad for TV. That takes some real B-Movie magic.

Once again, the winner of this one is 'Grizzly Park' - you almost had it with the 'not-good-enough-for-TV' angle, 'Something Beneath' but 'Grizzly Park' was just so very 'B'.

But, Heritage Moments aside, I'm gonna have to give this one to 'Grizzly Park.' Really - it had everything a good (or bad, depending on how you look at it) b-movie needs. It has it all AND a waterfall-shower. Good times indeed.

Well, that's all for B-Movie-Palooza 9. Stay tuned next year. Wow - that'll be the 10th anniversary. That means we'll have to do something special! Ooooh! Special and... spooooooooky! Stay tuned for that!