James F.W.’s Adventure in REAL Bowling!
While I was living in Peterborough, I had many adventures, each more impressive than the last. Most of these “adventures” involved going out for pizza, pizza parties, or trips to Toronto (where I would inevitably get pizza). However, on one occasion all previous adventure rules were broken when me and my posse of Peterborians (I just made that one up!) went for an adventure to the local bowling alley!
But that bowling alley was too crowded, so we had to leave... to go to ANOTHER bowling alley! Woo! This one was far less crowded and, by far, the nicest place I have ever been. I plan on getting married there some day. But I’m getting ahead of myself... You’ll notice I call this “real” bowling - let me explain myself. In Cape Breton (where I have done all my previous bowling) all we have is candlepin bowling (which is apparently one of the harder bowling styles in the bowling world), so that is all I had ever done. However, this bowling in Peterborough, and throughout the rest of the world is just called “bowling”... It’s the classic (as described by myself, my friend Matt AND my dad) “Fred Flintstone” style. Wicked. And, apparently I AM AWESOME AT IT!! But, again, I get ahead of myself. I could ramble on and on about this, perhaps one thePS’s finest excursions, for ages, but since I picture tells a thousand words (and I can only tell 984 on a given subject) here is my pictorial study of me bowling in Peterborough! Enjoy!
This would be the bowling alley... or so I thought. It’s a dark picture, so it’s hard to see, but I would have guessed that the large space under the sign reading “BOWLING” would be the bowling alley. However, that would be wrong. Under the sign is simply a giant empty room, where they could easily fit a bowling alley, but for some odd reason, chose not to... weird...
I had to prove it to myself that yes, I WAS “real bowling” - the best way to do that: bash in my skull with a “real” bowling ball! The little candlepin balls leave little to no scar but this one would do some serious damage. This is, of course, the “before” shot... the “after” shot is far too gruesome, so I opted to leave it out, for the sake of the children, and the fact that it never really happened. But mostly for the children.
Now, like I said, this is the nicest place I have EVER been. This canteen done in awesome 50's stylings is just a glimpse at the majesty that is this particular bowling alley. The bartender even looked like Fonzie! Wow!
This is the computer is even more 1950's than the canteen/lobby. It took the score for us, thus removing all sense of humanity from the menial task. You can’t see the whole sign on the left, but it reads “HAL 2000". It would later kill Jacquelyn at the end of the evening after a dispute after what constitutes a “strike” and what constitutes a “gutter-ball”. Needless to say, HAL 2000 was the victor... Makes me wonder why they have air tight hatches that lead into deep space at a bowling alley though... meh.
Ah, there we are - the surviving group members (from left to right): Chris, me (with a lolli!), Matt, and Chantel. The picture was taken by the then still living Jacquelyn, so it looks like she was never really a part of the group, which made it much easier to convince the police that we “didn’t see nothin’” after we were interviewed after her horrible death at the hands/screen of HAL 2000.
*Side note: Best line of the evening... Chris was really sucking. In dead last. Even Jacquelyn was beating him. Then, out of nowhere - a spare followed by a strike, which prompted Matt to say a line granted him by the bowling gods: “My priest just called and said 1) that hell froze over, and 2) he’s a Chris fan!” Good times.
This is just a chance to show off. HAL 2000 and me were getting to be buddies, so he put this on all the screens within a 3 mile radius that I was kicking ass. And with good cause! My final score in the second game was 160! That’s right! 53.33% a perfect game! I’m the man!
To further show off - here’s my wicked bad-assed bowling stance. No wonder I was doing so good. I’m like a work of art on the lane. No one has that kind of finesse on or off the lanes, my friend. Plus, check out those shoes! Snoogins.
This, for the sake of comparison and mockery (mostly mockery) is Jacquelyn’s bowling stance. Notice how she bowls like a small child or, as many of us pointed out while she was using it, “a friggin’ retard.” Okay, so that was mean... so, to make it up to her... notice that blobby-splotch, that’s clearly light reflecting off the camera lens? That’s a ghost. Jacq loves those things. But she bowls funny.
This is my shining moment. Turns out I bowled SO good, that the lane gave me a trophy. I mean, I was really impressive, plus it’s fairly clear that I’m a decepticon, so I think they may have just been sucking up so I didn’t blow their business up. However, I think it has more to do with pure talent than with destructive power. In fact, I was SOO good that they gave me the “Thursday Night Mixed Bowling” trophy! And I’m just one guy! And it was Saturday! Wow. I AM the man!
Okay, here’s the real story with that one: our lane was right next to the trophy case, and me and Matt kept looking at them and comenting on how funny it would be to get a picture of me “winning” one. But, we were also pretty close to the front desk, so any of that “trophy swiping” would get us thrown out for sure. Anyways, apparently while I was bowling (probably getting a strike) Matt went and asked the guy if we could do that anyways. For some odd reason he said yes... I think Matt said I was a dying kid or something and that was my final wish. It was a great time had by all. Plus, I am amused by the idea that all the other bowlers in the place must have been totally confused by me picking up a trophy, freaking out over it, and then putting it back, and calmly walking away. Good times...
Again, for the sake of comparison, here is what Jacq got after the game. A big picture of her (or a reasonable facsimile) or her many, many gutter-balls. You’ll also notice that she is very gothy. This was taken just before she was jettisoned into the abyss.
Actually, the picture was taken because of the lameness of the painting. I mean, it’d be one thing if there were just one bad bowling joke/painting in the place, but no... this was just #1 in the series! There were others such as: “Last pair of Shoes” The joke: dude has big feet, but the last pair of shoes.... is tiny! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jesus could not have written a better joke. Man. Whoever made those up is clearly a master of the craft of bowling alley comedy/painting.
Thus concludes my adventure into the realm of “real” bowling, and it was a good one. I ended up winning both games (the first one was a close one though, on account of Chantel being, like, from a family of champion bowlers), and a good time was had by all... except possibly Jacquelyn who died. But she WAS gothy, so I’m sure she doesn’t mind the cold hands of darkness that now consume her, etc. By for now!