C-Movie-Palooza: A Christmas Twist on a Big Pile of Crap
B-Movies are something which can be treasured all year round, for your entire life. However,
Christmas was always a little too happy and friendly and Jesusy for B-Movies, so that would
explain why it got skipped over in the b-movie-holidays series (Halloween, April Fools Day,
Groundhog Day, etc.). Christmas tends to get nice, family-oriented movies as a result, and I
guess we’ll just have the be happy with that.
But what’s that Virginia?! There IS a Santa Claus? And he’s killing everyone in the house with
an axe? It’s a Christmas miracle, folks! Horror has come to Christmas town, and it’s no longer
restrained by claymation. Thus, I give to you B-Movie-Palooza with a Christmas theme, forever
after to be known as C-Movie-Palooza! The ‘C’ is for ‘Christmas.’
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
This is a yearly classic, if your yearly traditions involve watching ‘Space’ on Christmas Day.
And why shouldn’t it be? This movie reeks of what Christmas is all about! Ya see, Martians
apparently while they DO celebrate the birth of Christ that is Christmas, they forgot about Santa
Claus! And you can have Jesus as much as you want, if you ain’t got Santa, you ain’t got
Christmas. So, the Martians kidnap Santa in order to give their children toys and happiness.
Bastards. So, it is up to Santa and a bunch of Air-Force retards to save Christmas for Earth-
children and bring Santa home.
If you’re interested in watching a movie where Santa Claus gets in numerous fist-fights with the
Great Gazoo, then this movie is for you.
Jack Frost
The only movie to move from a B-Movie-Palooza to this C-Movie-Palooza is Jack Frost, the tale
of a convicted murderer (on his way to the chair, no less!) who is mutated into a living snowman
through some kind of army-made-mutating acid. You know - that’s what the army does! He
then proceeds to terrorize a town called Snowmonton (I still must point out the irony there, I
mean c’mon... that’s pretty ironic!) It’s like those Calvin and Hobbes comics where Calvin
made gross/evil snowmen. ‘Cept this one would totally kill Calvin’s dad, just for looking at him
funny. Actually, I dunno if he could take Calvin’s dad. Due biked to work every damn day. He
was tough.
If you hated that Michael Keaton movie with the same name, then this one is a definite winner.
If you liked that other one... I dunno... I doubt you’ll like this one. You might though. It’s got a
cool hologram cover. That’s gotta be worth something!
Black Christmas
All the college kids are getting ready to head home for the Christmas break at their school which
looks like/is mostly a ski resort (log cabins, log SU, log everything!) but then they start getting
murdered. Oh well. Other than the fact that this one happens around Christmas, and there are
Christmas decorations in the background of most scenes, it has very little to do with Christmas.
But, it was made in the 70s, and didn’t really need too much of a plot. They just need the loose
premise of “It’s Christmas!” and then they have a brand new way to push people down the stairs
and stab them.
If you never really had much self-esteem you’ll probably enjoy this movie. But not too much.
Actually, I dunno. Maybe you won’t. This movie was dumb.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1-5)
I admit, I haven’t seen all five of these movies. I’ve seen 3, which I think is pretty good. Here’s
the gist of the stupidity. An escaped mental patient dresses up like Santa Claus and starts killing
the occupants of a house. That’s the plot of the first 2 damn movies. Yes, it took 2 movies to
tell that tale. Third movie has the escaped mental patient escape again, after having his brain
“removed’ which makes for an awesome hitch-hiking scene (he’s pretty much there for comic
relief now) while some girl goes nuts. The fifth one involves witches. Yup. One which has a
Christmas tree and that’s as far as it goes in terms of Christmas.
This whole series was retarded. The guy with the brain in a jar on top of his head was the major
highlight of the whole thing. Other than that, it’s one of those things that just keeps going with
no real signs of stopping til it comes to a screeching halt.
So, as you can see, the Christmas movie catalogue and the B-Movie catalogue are one and the
same! Oh Christmas, you always manage to bring people together. And then stab them. Fa la la
la la la la la la.