Count Duckula’s Halloween Safety Tips
In my haste to bring you the last article (top 10 Monster/Ghost cartoons) I unfortunately left out what is one of the greatest charactersof all time. A character of such creativity and brilliance that he has yet to meet its equal. I speak of course about the one and only Count Duckula. Taking the greatest aspects of both Dracula and ducks, Count Duckula really had it all, and more. What was most important though, is that he was a worrisome fella. Thus, when I went to Duckula to apologize for leaving him out of the previous article, we struck a deal. Together we would do a public service for the community! Therefore, it is with great pleasure that I give you, Count Duckula’s Halloween Safety Tips!
Hey kids! It’s me, the illustrious Count Duckula, here to spread some wisdom to you all about Halloween safety! I think I’m up to the job. Far better than any of you would be anyways. I am a vampire duck after all. All you are is some jerk. There, I said it. Now we know the footing of each other, so we can begin.
Tip #1: Pick a snug, easily visible costume.
That’s right kids. Wearing a snug costume will stop you from getting stuck in train tracks and such when trains come speeding down them, as you are prone to trick-or-treat on the wrong side of them. Should you get stuck anyways, the visibility of a good costume will save you from being killed and simply leave you maimed!
How can I be hit by anything other than I fine for looking so damn good in my little sailor outfit. Snug for safety, and stylish for... style.
Tip #2: Be sure to have a good meal beforehand.
That way you can be sure to be energized for the big night of egging people’s houses. I know what you’re really planning. You are a juvenile delinquent. But, before that, have a good meal. I suggest plenty of greens. But not me. You touch me and I’ll mace you.
Tip #3: Keep your eyes open for trouble.
When you’re outside at night, you have to keep BOTH eyes out for evil lurking in the darkness. Could be terrorists coming back to finish their 9/11 job. Could be that damn Von Goosewing trying to get me again. I hate that guy.
Here is an example of exactly what you SHOULDN’T do. By acting all tough, you only instigate a major knifing. I’d knife you for doing that. And I’m a passivist. What does that tell you? Tells me that you’re an idiot, that’s what it tells me.
Tip #4: Know the streets.
Sometimes keeping your eyes open just isn’t enough. You have to know the streets perfectly. You never know when you may need to get to a gun store cuz the wolfman is after you. Or, like if the sidewalk just runs out under you, and then you just run into empty space and plummet to your demise. That would suck. And don’t say it can’t happen. Happened to me once. See:
But, I’ve got an excuse. My house changes location every frigging night. Your excuse is that you’re forgetful. That doesn’t count anymore. And, as a count, I have a certain right to say that.
Tip #5: Check your candy!
I couldn’t tell you how many times I’ve heard of a kid being killed because he didn’t check his candy properly. And it’s not always just from overly strict parent-beatings. Sometimes it’s because the candy was tampered with. In deadly ways.
That’s the kind of treat that could be awaiting you! Do you want that?! No, probably not. Unless you’re a really weird kid who likes to get bitten by food. That’s weird. I don’t wanna give you tips anymore. Weirdo.
The End…?