Okay, the thing with the “hack and slash” horror movie genre is that it mostly consists of killings that are basically just “hack and slash” - this grows tiresome pretty quick. Jason just stabbed people, same with Michael Myers, etc. There was only one true visionary in the art of slaughtering people in new and interesting ways. That man was Freddy Kruger in Wes Craven’s ingenious “Nightmare on Elm St.” series. I mean, sure they were all still pretty gruesome deaths, but at least with Freddy there was some actual thought put into the writing. To Freddy himself - Robert Englund plays one hell of a likable villain. Few can be put into that category, and Freddy is one of them. So, in the spirit of these horrifically delightful murders, I give you the best of the best; the cream of the crop; the “Top 10 Deaths by Freddy”!
10. Nightmare on Elm St. 2 - Freddy’s Revenge
The victim: Party Guests
Why it makes the list: It had everything - burnings, slashings, electrocutions, more slashings, stabbings, random melting. And the best part, no one had any idea what was going on, or who could be doing it… I mean, I don’t wanna sound like a “party-pooper”, but whoever invited this guy might have a little bit of explaining to do…
9. Nightmare on Elm St.
The victim: Glen Lantz (Johnny Depp)
Why it makes the list: Okay, reason #1 - it’s Johnny Depp - how cool is that? Reason #2, the after-effect. He just kinda gets sucked into his bed, and there’s some muffled yells, nothing much yet - pretty standard death. The coup-de-gras is the “eruption.” Seconds after being sucked down, a fissure of blood shoots out of the bed, completely covering the room. I mean, sure there’s a lot of blood in a guy, but not 100 gallons. This would pave the way for the more so ridiculous Freddy deaths to come.
Holy! Is that Johnny Depp?!
Holy! Is that Johnny Depp's blood?!
8. Nightmare on Elm St. 5 - the Dream Child
The victim: Greta
Why it makes the list: Well established as a great lover of all things ironic, Freddy kills the bulimic Greta the best way he knows how: forced feeding… a LOT of forced feeding. Like, so much so that she dies in 2 ways - first of all she chokes. Secondly, I seem to remember her exploding, but I can’t find a picture anywheres, so that’s kinda sad.
But, the main reason that this is so awesome is the costume that Freddy wears for it. Oh Freddy, you think of everything!
7. Nightmare on Elm St. - Dream Warriors
The victim: Phillip Adamson
Why it makes the list: Okay, Freddy took a bit fo creative license with this one in the irony department. Phillip had a puppet (a marionette to be exact), thus Freddy turned Phillip into a human marionette. Not evil enough you say? Oh, did I mention that Phillip’s strings were his own freshly ripped out veins?! Cuz, they were. Then, Freddy just did the simple thing, and ran him off a building. Simple, to the point, disgustingly painful. Kudos.
6. Nightmare on Elm St.
The victim: Margaret Thompson (Nancy’s mom)
Why it makes the list: At the end of the first one, Freddy was defeated and all was well. Nancy, Johnny Depp and the rest of the formally dead gang are all back together, and everything’s alright. Margaret is back too! She was killed in a Freddy-induced fire earlier, but now it’s all good. Then, the “scary noise” happens, all the friends scream as their car turns into a “Freddy-mobile.” Pan to Margaret, waving in front of the door as if she hasn’t noticed a thing. The tiny ½ foot door window shatters, out comes Freddy’s hand, and yanks Margaret through. Absolutely hilarious.
5. Nightmare on Elm St. 3 - Dream Warriors
The victim: Jennifer Caulfield
Why it makes the list: Back to the irony! Okay, Jennifer is totally addicted to TV - it’s her escape, and engulfs everything she is. So, logically when her friends start to die in horrible, horrible ways, she goes straight for the “Dick Cavett Show” with special guest Zja Zja Gabor… and Freddy!! Wha..!?! Then, Freddy BECOMES the TV itself - giant arms made of wiring shoot out of the TV Freddy, pick of Jennifer, and ram her head through the screen, killing her instantly. I don’t’ remember exactly what he says, but it’s something along the lines of “Welcome to prime-time, bitch!” only much, much more clever/cool. I cannot do Mr. Kruger true justice…
4. Friday the 13th 9 - Jason Goes to Hell
The victim: Jason
Why it makes the list: What the hell?!? A Jason movie?! How could Freddy show up there?!? But, he does my friends, he does! I don’t wanna be the “ruin of movie endings” here, but - in the end of the film… Jason goes to Hell. Yup. Truth in advertising. Anyways, it’s not all that simple though. I forget how they kill Jason - they burn him or something, and all that’s left is his mask lying in the sand, facing up… the “credit music” starts to play - movie over… or is it?! Suddenly, a fist bursts up from the sand next to the mask! It unclenches revealing Freddy’s clawed glove!!! It then grabs the mask, crushes it, and Freddy says, “It’s about time!” then drags it down, presumably to hell, thus prompting YEARS of rumours about the “upcoming” Freddy vs. Jason movie. The best part - that movie is actually coming out in the next year!!! Super-awesome!!!
3. Freddy’s Dead - the Final Nightmare
The victim: Spencer
Why it makes the list: okay, this one was actually a really close runner for first, but that’s not important right now - what’s important is that this one was awesome. Okay, first of all, Spencer is stoned out of his mind, and sitting in Freddy’s friggin’ house (not a great idea) in front of a smashed TV. Now, despite the fact that the TV is smashed, Spence sees a “This is your brain on drugs…” commercial - done by Johnny Depp! (Yup, they went all out for this one). Then, at the “any questions?” line, Freddy smashes Johnny in the face with the frying pan and yells, “Yeah - looks like some eggs in a pan to me. What have you been smoking?!” Hilarity. Then, the screen goes all physcadelic and Spencer gets sucked into it.
Now, like Jennifer back up at #5, Spencer too has a “release” - video games. So, Freddy turns Spencer into a video game that he is controlling. So, Spence is running around, killing himself by smashing bricks with his head and such, and getting “Super-’Shrooms” and such (it’s Freddy AND Nintendo - the best of both worlds!). But, the NES references don’t stop there! Oh lord no! Spencer’s friends come into the dream right when Spence is about to bite the bullet at the hands (er.. Feet) of 16 bit Freddy and rip the controller out of his hands. Freddy screams with rage, because he has been foiled… or has he? He flings them out the door, looks at them and says “You forgot about… the power glove! Hahahaha!” then he lifts his clawed glove to reveal the fact that it has now merged with Nintendo’s power glove. Dear god that’s amazing… I want one… anywho, he then just beats Spence to death in the video game style. Tres bien my friend!
16 bit Freddy
"You forgot about... the POWER GLOVE!!"
2. Nightmare on Elm St. 4 - The Dream Master
The victim: Debbie
Why it makes the list: Again, Freddy took the irony to a new high for this one, much like the Spencer one, only this one was far more subtle, so it gets one better. Very early in the movie, Debbie finds a cockroach in a carton of milk she was just about to drink, and she flings it to the ground. Then they talk about kicking some ass or something, and she crushes the carton and bug to illustrate her point. What else do we know about Debbie? Well - she’s a hardcore weightlifter for one, and that’s really all we need to know.
So, she’s in her basement, training for when they go kick Freddy’s ass (because that always works…). She’s bench pressing a good amount of weight, so hey - maybe she actually has a chance to win such a fight! Time for cool editing! The camera, instead of staying on Debbie, follows the weights: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - Freddy! Woo! So, Freddy being a good sport, decides that he’ll spot Debbie for a while, ’cept he’s all mean about it. He pushes down really hard on the dumbbell, and Debbie pushes back equally hard (I told ya - she’s strong!). But, the fight is a futile one, as soon her arms start to crack under the sheer force being exhorted - then something pops out of them… cockroach arms! Yes, Debbie now has big cockroach arms in place of her own… and soon antennae! Very soon, she’s just a big-assed cockroach running around in her room (which is now on fire for some reason). Then she looks out the window and starts screaming “No! No, don’t! Ahhhh!” It’s pretty clear what’s about to happen - she gets squashed. Now all we need is a pan up to Freddy and… wait a second… it’s not Freddy… it’s Debbie! She crushed herself at the beginning of the movie! Oh man, Freddy - you are the king!
1. Freddy’s Dead - the Final Nightmare
The victim: Carlos
Why it made the #1 spot: There are many, many reasons why the death of Carlos gets the #1 spot. First of all, it’s brilliant. Secondly, it’s hideously evil. Thirdly, it’s the funniest things that Freddy has ever done! Let me explain. What do we need to know about Carlos? Well, he’s almost deaf, and depends highly on his hearing aid. So, what does Freddy do? Steals the hearing aid! Hilarity #1 - Carlos wandering around in Freddy’s boiler room, with no sound at all. Freddy is behind him the whole time, waving his arms, and screaming and making faces, and just being damned funny, but Carlos has no clue. Oh Freddy… what will you think of next?
Next, Freddy actually shows some compassion and throws the hearing aid back to Carlos - geez what a nice guy! Carlos puts it back over his ear, only now it’s an EVIL hearing aid! Little claws shoot out of it, and dig into Carlos head - thus, he can’t take it off. And, to further show that he’s not all that bad a guy, Freddy has blessed Carlos with Super-hearing now! Wow… only… it’s not really a blessing, as we’ll soon see.
Freddy pulls a pin out of the end of his finger (nice touch) and shows it to Carlos - he knows what’s coming - Freddy throws it from the catwalk he’s on. It sounds like a bomb dropping (you know… the Wile E. Coyote whistling noise) if it hit’s the ground, it’ll really give Carlos a headache. So, he dives for it and catches it before it hits. Good job Carlos. So, he looks up at Freddy grinning… jingle, jingle can be heard… shot to Freddy’s hand - about 100 pins! Oh man! Carlos just screams “no! Don’t! You wouldn’t!” to which Freddy simply replies “Mmm Hmm” and chucks the whole lot of them. Carlos doesn’t even try and just covers his ears and screams. The noise level is quite loud at this point.
Then it all goes quiet again, but now Freddy is standing behind Carlos again. What can he possibly do now!? The coup de gras… Freddy pulls out (from off screen - very “Bugs Bunny”) a tiny, little chalkboard, about a foot long or so… what’s he thinking? A tiny little chalkboard isn’t gonna do much. Then he starts to stretch it, all the while making these “ooh! This is gonna hurt!” faces. It’s very amusing to say the least. Carlos knows what’s coming too. Eventually, the chalkboard is about 5 x 6 feet, quite the good stretch job. Freddy puts one claw to it - the noise is grating but brief. It still causes Carlos immense pain, and his nose starts to bleed from the pressure. Then Freddy, in his final blow, puts the whole claw on the board and just goes in circles over, and over again with a look of pure joy on his face (man that dude is evil!). Carlos’ head explodes from the pressure, sending his hearing aid soaring in to Freddy’s hand. He just puts it to his mouth and says, “Nice hearing from ya, Carlos!” The friggin’ man…
Freddy makes learning FUN!
