Top 10 Star Wars Characters (that don’t speak Basic)

Ah, Star Wars. Always puts a smile on my face, and just generally makes any day better (original trilogy, anyways - though Ep III looks like it has potential). With it’s great lead characters (I’m talking Vader and Han here mostly) it’s quite easy for that to happen. But what about the second-string characters? The guys that are super-cool, but just don’t have any memorable quotes, simply because they speak in a language we don’t fully understand. I think these unsung heroes of a long time ago and a galaxy far, far away have gone too long in the shadows, and it is time they got their due! Thus, I give you the top 10 Star Wars characters that don’t speak Basic!

10. Garindan - The long-snout guy from “New Hope” who rats on the heroes to the local Stormtroopers. He’s a pretty bad-ass looking guy: long, black, Sith-like robes, big snout, and biker-goggles for eyes. Plus, he’s trying to screw over Luke, so that’ll get him on any list, any day.

9. the Wampa - the Wampa is the every-man of the frozen plains of Hoth. Think about it: he goes out for a bite, finds something, takes it home, puts it in the fridge, and then walks around the house munching on Tauntan-leg. I dunno about you, but I do this fairly often. Only, I like mine less rare, but whatever. Further, the Wampa also tries to screw over Luke, only he does so by trying to eat him. Plus, his figure is one of the coolest SW toys I have. He has a removable arm, and comes with the Tauntan drumstick.

8. Nien Nunb - Lando’s co-pilot (for some reason) on the second attack on the Death Star (it’s sad how much I know about these things... or great. Depends on how you look at it). He’s mostly notable for his weird, foreign-guy laugh. Plus, Dave played a guy very similar to Nien, and I accidentally blew him up. Sorry Dave - I hope this makes it all better.

7. Jabba the Hutt - One of the few giant slug aliens who speaks a different language who actually has a catch phrase! Jae-wonga-onga! Ho ho ho. I’ve always wondered how the Hutts got so much power as gangsters throughout the galaxy. Basically, the only reason Jabba is a threat is because he’s a powerful gangster with lots of cronies, and weapons, and a Rancor. Other than that, he’s just slow, fat, and easily strangled. He’s like a rapper (or gangsta - eh? Yes?) He just says he’s got the bling, and people assume he does, and thus give him more. I wanna hear Jabba rap.

6. Bib Fortuna - The creepy head-lacky of Jabba, Bib for some reason constantly looks freaked or angry. That’s his entire range of emotions. Maybe it’s a Twi’lek thing. I was gonna cut him out of this list, but if I did that Matty would have been mad at me. So yeah - now there’s no IG-88. I dunno if he spoke basic or not, but I don’t thunk he did. I know Bib didn’t (nor did his son Rib).

5. Greedo - First things first: Greedo did NOT shoot first. Han shot him mercilessly, and left him a charred corpse, which is apparently worth just a nickel in cleaning cost. No one seems to care about him (except in special edition, Jabba asks about him, but he does so only out of monetray reasons, I suppose). It would have been wicked to see him in the final bunch of bounty hunters (from Empire) but oh well. I still thinks Greedo kicks ass, as a weird Italian- stereotype-alien. He’s the Luigi of bounty hunters.

4. Paploo - An Ewok scout? Why an Ewok scout? Why not Wicket, or some other NAME Ewok? Paploo?! To answer yer questions, Paploo is the Ewok who, during Return of the Jedi, steals a speeder-bike, and blasts of through the forest, only to leap from the thing just before it exploded. Tell me a cooler Ewok - I dare you. Also, I have a stuffed Ewok that I have had for most of my life. His name is Paploo. Biases are fun.

3. Chewbacca - Chewie. What a Wookiee. Chewie somehow manages to get one-liner jokes considering the fact that his lines are all guttural-moans. He somehow gets the better of Han in several situations. I can’t remember Han’s exact line (which makes me sad) but it was something along the lines of “Chewie and I will hold them off,” to which Chewie replied, “...? Aauuorh.” That confusion was great. Plus, he could tear yer arms off. Don’t tempt him - he’ll do it just for fun. Crazy cracker.

2. Max Rebo - The elephant-esque keyboard player at Jabba’s palace. He was always one of my favorite characters, and that’s ALL he did. He sat in his keyboard thing, and played it, while wiggling his snout to the beat. Maybe it’s cuz he was the leader of the band. That gives him a certain degree of cool. Nay - super-cool.

1. Salacious Crumb - I want a monkey-lizard. Salacious Crumb is somehow left out of the slaughter on Jabba’s skiff over the sarlaac pit, my guess is it’s cuz he’s very clever. Plus, this guy is totally fun. All he does is eat, bite Jabba, and laugh maniacally. Pretty sweet role in life, I’d say. Plus, he seems to be able to jump pretty high. While laughing maniacally. I would have liked to have seen him in the bounty hunter group too. Just for a twist. Naw - he shoulda been Luke.

And that’s the list! Obviously a LOT of favorites had to be left out so’s I could have room for these guys (who happen to be MY favorites of the favorites). Feel free to complain. Complaining is fun. May the Force be with you. Complainer.