The Smells of Tattooine

I agree, that’s a very odd title for an article, but in this case it’s surprisingly apt.

Some weeks/months ago (just before I actually set out to write this article) a friend of mine randomly gave me a book at school. It came from the dollar store, so I can be assured that it cost no more than a dollar, but the thought was excellent as it was a Star Wars children’s book, and it is widely known that I love all things SW (cept JarJar, obviously).
It’s called “A More Wretched Hive: The Mos Eisley Cantina.” Neat children’s book, I guess. However, I was shocked when I noticed on the upper corner a blotch which read “Scratch and Sniff.” I hadn’t had a scratch and sniff book since I was like 7, and certainly never a Star Wars one. I doubted they could actually make one of these, though I DID have Star Wars scratch and sniff stickers, but they were terrible smelling... the book slaughtered those stickers in terms of stink. Turns out that for all the awesomeness of a galaxy far, far away, they really friggin’ reek.

Now, to start, this book was made after the special-edition movies came out, so there’s a bunch of creatures/scenes in it that were not in the original. I had no idea that Jabba the Hutt even existed when I first saw “A New Hope” let alone what his breath smelled like. But, anyways, the first page/odor comes from the entrance to Mos Eisley. The smell is described; “the smell coming from the cantina was horrible.” That is all too correct. A mix of beach-sand and mustard-seed makes me glad I will never seek a pilot to take me to Alderaan.

The second page is a more memorable scene: Aliens drinking! It’s also probably the only decent smell in the whole book. It’s the smell of “mugs of a foamy, fruity concoction - the only pleasant scent in the place!” It really does smell like berries. Mostly blueberries I’d say, with a hint of grape. If I could get past the parking lot, I may actually enjoy this place as a pit-stop. However, that will all change once I sit down...

This is supposed to be the smell of lightsaber in the air. It mostly smells like fly-dope. I don’t get the connection.

Although there is a picture of Han Solo below the scent, this is NOT the smell of Harrison Ford, but instead it’s “the rugged Wookiee’s strong, swampy odor.” Evidently Chewie lives in the bottom of a trunk in the basement of someone’s grandmother.

Ah, the Greedo page. I assumed and kinda hoped this page would have the scent of “blastered Greedo” or at least “charred Rodian.” I also assumed that this would be quite a stink. I was wrong on both accounts. The smell is Greedo’s breath. And it wasn’t ‘quite the stink’... it’s the worst smell ever created. A mixture of onions, dog shit, some bleach, and burning ass-hair make you wonder what the hell Greedo eats. And if you think that description was a bit harsh... smell it... you’ll probably die and then I won’t have to listen to yer complaints anymore.

I dunno if this is just because the Greedo page stank so bad, but Jabba the Hutt actually doesn’t have that terrible an odor. I mean, it’s still really gross - peppery with a hint of grass-clippings - but it’s not the “rotten aroma” that is promised on the page. I mean, considering what Han just had to breath/shoot first at, smelling Jabba would be like visiting the cookie factory. I assume they had cookie factories in this galaxy as well.

And finally, after a chase from a couple of Stormtroopers, the Millennium Falcon takes off “leaving the stormtroopers choking in a cloud of hot starship exhaust.” This one is actually impressive. It smells 100% like exhaust from a really old city bus or Mack truck. I assume that’s what the Falcon would smell like. Also, that exact smell was one of the stickers I had from the set I had in the past. The circle of life.

Now you all know what the Star Wars universe smells like. Just remember that the next time you watch Obi-Wan battle Vader, or you watch the Bith playing their Cantina Song, they all most likely smell like shit mixed with something equally awful. Well, Vader probably smells like a mix of the Falcon and evil. Maybe some of that fruity beverage, depending on his own personal tastes. That or the blood of the innocent. Either one is refreshing, really.