Last week I was baby-sitting my little brother. He was sick and restricted to the couch, so he wanted to watch one of my movies. I saw an opportunity and seized it -- expose a child of the Pokemon generation to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! It worked out good for me too, as I'd bought the tape at Value Village four months ago and hadn't watched it yet. What?! Erin, forgetting about something TMNT-related?! Is this possible?! Well, I bought the tape at the same time I bought my Raphael touque, so I guess I got distracted... Anywho, the point is that the two episodes on the video happened to be the first two episodes in the series! With a first-time viewer in the room! What luck! Wheeeee!

Now, before I get to reviewing the actual episodes, I have to mention the best part of the whole 41-minute tape -- the theme song! I mean, I've had the song on mp3 for the past couple of years, but it's just not the same until you watch the video clips that go with it. Of all the TV shows I watched in the good ol' days, Ninja Turtles is the one that brings me back the most, and watching the theme almost made me cry. I was tempted to get my stuffed dog and sit on the floor two inches away from the TV just so I could feel like I was four years old again. So yeah, I think it's good for everyone's health to go find a tape of their favorite '80's TV show -- it's the closest thing to a time machine we're going to get. That said, on with the episodes!

Episode One: Turtle Tracks

The first TMNT character we meet is the yellow-jumpsuit-clad April O'Neill, Channel 6's "third-best... maybe" reporter.

The thing about April is that she isn't as cool as I remembered. In fact she's downright annoying! That aside, she's the one who leads us to the turtles, so I guess she's important. As you may recall, April is very dedicated to (obsessed with?) her job, and there's nothing she likes more than a hot story. Tonight she's covering the new crime wave in town -- lots of expensive equipment is being stolen from the big important technological companies. April's interviewees conclude that it must be the work of ninjas. And how do they figure this? "This rope was made in Japan."

Despite the apparent lack of deductive powers among the people of New York, April must actually be on to something, because a gang of punks is sent to kill her! April's news team bails on her, and she is left to climb into a sewer. A sewer! Le gasp! What could be in store for her in a sewer?! The answer is found only after April runs into a brick wall, thus allowing the crowbar-toting punks to catch up to her. That's when the punks get their butts kicked by a bunch of mysterious dark figures! Very mysterious figures! They look like turtles, but they walk like teenagers! It's like they're mutants! Mutants who can fight like ninjas! It's almost like they're some form of "teenage mutant ninja turtle!" ...No... no, that's just crazy.

Um, anywho... The turtles come out of the shadows and April faints a few times, so they take her back to their lair, where she faints a few more times. Then they eat pizza with really weird toppings. Somewhere along the way, Splinter is introduced...

...and the history of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is told! If you watched TMNT at all, you'll remember when the names "Hamato Yoshi" and "Oroko Saki" were like household words. They're the two Japanese dudes who were Foot Soldiers back when the Clan wasn't evil. Hamato Yoshi was at the top of the ninja-class, so Oroko Saki was jealous, so Oroko Saki played a nasty trick on Hamato Yoshi and got Hamato Yoshi kicked out of the Foot Clan. So Hamato Yoshi flees to America -- penniless, he lives in the sewers of New York with his rat-friends. Then some kid is walking around with a fishbowl full of turtles, which spill into the sewer and befriend Hamato Yoshi. One day some mutagen gets spilled, and I guess the turtles didn't pay attention to those commercials on TV because they decide to play in it. Or maybe it's because they're going through that adolescent stage where they don't have to listen to anyone. Anywho, when someone touches the mutagen, it mutates them into whatever animal they were most recently in contact with. The turtles were last with Hamato Yoshi, so they turn into human-turtle hybrids. That's when he decides that they're freaks of nature and should thus be taught karate so they can defend themselves. This is all quite convenient as the show was called "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles." Oh, by the way, Hamato Yoshi got mutagen on him too and turned into a rat... OH MY GOD! Hamato Yoshi is Splinter!!!!! ...My only question is, if he was "penniless," how can he afford all those pizzas?

Anywho, Splinter goes on to introduce the turtles...

	...Leonardo, who feels it necessary to use the word "must" in every sentence...
	...Donatello ... well, there's nothing special to say about Donatello. He likes machines....
	...Raphael, who has the ability to throw his voice and make it look like it's coming out of Don's mouth...
	...and Michaelangelo, "master of the twirling nun chucks ...and master of the twirling pizzas!" Ta-da!

Even though I seem to remember April O'Neill being friends with the turtles, this is apparently not the case. The whole "friendship" is actually just a deal to help each other find the man behind the mutagen, who is apparently also the man behind the current crime-wave. If they are successful, the turtles can force him to make Shredder human again, and April gets the big story that would apparently make her life worthwhile. The first instalment in this little pact is to get the teenage mutant ninja turtles above ground, where they visit a community where every store has the word "Ninja" in its name (very discreet, Foot Soldiers). April gets kidnapped while our boys are chowing down at the Ninja Pizzeria. When they find her, they end up not only fighting off a mysterious-clan of robots, but getting into their secret hideout. Wheee!

Episode Two: Enter the Shredder

Splinter has deducted that the uniform worn by the robot soldiers is that of the Foot Clan, which can only be led by Oroko Saki. Hey! I bet Oroko Saki is that Shredder guy from the secret hideout!

And I bet he could be found in that "Technodrome" they were talking about!

Well... they find it pretty quickly. See, the turtles aren't really a big part of this episode. I mean, the whole first twenty minutes were about them! It's time to give the Shredder a little spotlight! And guess what! Shredder's not the only evil guy!

There's Krang. Here's what we find out about him: He's a giant talking brain from a place called Dimension X. He's agreed to give Shredder tech support in exchange for a body. He really hates Shredder, probably because he still hasn't got his body... yet he decides to stick around. I'm amazed that he went unquestioned back in the day.

Anywho, Shredder's onto the plans of Splinter and his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. After a conversation with Krang, he decides that he needs some of his own mutants to compete! (Apparently an endless supply of kung fu fighting robots isn't enough.) So he recruits two of those punks from Episode One to form the characters with the best names -- Bebop and Rocksteady! Yay!

Now, as radical as Shredder is, the creators of the show missed out on a huge opportunity to make him mysterious. About halfway through the episode, he takes off his mask. This is when my little brother proclaims: "Whoa, I thought he was like, never going to show his face or something!" Oh well, I guess they just missed that boat.

Anywho, Splinter gets kidnapped very early in the show, and it's up to the turtles to save him. They do. Yay! And so, while the first two episodes may be over, the saga of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles isn't. ...Actually, it might be. That all depends on whether or not I find another tape at Value Village. Until then... sayonara!