What the Hell is Nog: A Question to Children
A few weeks ago, I was feeling pretty damn bored, sitting around the office at the Caper Times. I wanted to do something Christmassy, but what? Then, it hit me! What's more Christmassy than the Christmassy thoughts of a child? Very little. Maybe Santa Claus... and that guy that was born on Christmas... Sir Isaac Newton. Other than them, this was as Christmassy as you could get. For not being a real word "Christmassy" sure is getting a lot of play in this paragraph. But what to ask these children? Why not the most pressing issue that concerns any Christmas? That being, as we all know: What the hell is 'Nog'? As in Egg Nog. We've all seen the stuff, but what the hell is it?
In reality, it means the booze added to egg to make a drunken beverage for Christmas consumption (though, that's not what's in the carton... that webpage lied to me!), but what would the world's youngsters think? I sent out literally dozens of emails to little tikes all over the world. Here's some of the replies I got back:
Nog is a substance derived from the grounding of the bones of Christmas elves. It gives the egg a most Christmasy flavour as the elves are totally into that kind of thing, you know, tasting like Christmas. The name is actualy an anagram standing for Noodles Or Grind, which is a game show on Elf tv in which elves pick which door has the noodles behind it and which door will result in them getting ground into Nog. The noodles are for the winners, who don't get ground. Elves like noodles.
(Kris D. age 7)
*neat pan flute music*
The call of Nog:
For many of us, the haunting call of the common nog in a still refrigerator captures the essence of the canadian wintertime.
Most nogs have a short shelf life, and return to the same fridge after year.
But additives, preservatives and human consumption are chasing the nog from its natural habitat; threatening its future.
To learn more about the nog, and discover how you can help protect Canada's nog supply, visit hww.ca
(Allison M. age 9)
Nog is an abbreviation. It stands for "not overly good," because egg nog sucks. That's right, I said it. Take that, egg nog.. or should I say, egg not overly good! Wait, that doesn't even make sense.. blast.
(Christine R. age 8)
The story of Nog.
Once upon a time there was a boy, his name was doug, and he was unliked. The kids at school always teased him and called him names. You see, Doug had a big head and the kids used to throw things at him. At lunch they would pin him down and paint circles on his face and then try to aim darts for his nose. One day a new kid game into town, his name was Jack and he wasn't very bright you see when the other children tried to explain the dart throwing game to Jack he thought they said egg... I told you he was dumb. When lunch came around all the other kids decided Jack should throw the first dart (they were very polite like that) so Jack took out an egg ( he always carried one, just in case someone challenged him to a dart thowing competition) and threw it at Doug's head, well needless to say after that the children took to calling Doug egg noggin' and after a while it was shortened down to nog. Twenty years later Doug thought of a plan to get back at all those kids who threw things at him. (Although Doug had a big head he wasn't a whole lot smarter than Jack) He got together every gross ingredient he could find and put it in a container labeled "Egg Nog" and brang it to a christmas party the neighboorhood was putting on at the school, to Doug's surprise everyone at the party loved Doug's new drink and afterwards Jack stole it and patented it and made a fortune.
(Kristen G. age 26)
It's sort of like nougat, but not as chewy. "nog" for short. Kinda like Yop is to Yogurt.
(Sean M. age 7)
What is nog you ask? Inquiring young minds deserve to know the truth behind this holiday tradition and treat, I do suppose. I'm sure you've heard the myths regarding elf/fairy distillate and the like, but those tales are just that; myths. The truth behind nog is a long, sordid, almost magical tale, but I'll try and keep it concise and to the point.
You see, back in the days of yore... no, no, not those days of yore, the other ones... yeah, you got it now. Anyway, as I was saying, back in the days of yore, there were two kingdoms. Yes, I know there were more kingdoms than that, but these two are the only ones relevent to the story, now shut up. These two kingdoms bordered one another and fought all the time, especially during Christmas time. No one rightly knows why, but that's the way it went. The prince of one of these kingdoms, Prince §, was a former musical prodigy who believed the hype surrounding his music, so, of course, he turned heavily to the suck. this drove him to a certain degree of insanity. Believing he had lost his muse, he sought to find it again, believing it was hiding in the neighbouring kingdom. Prince § sought to find his muse any way he could, which included continual border raids.
Now, the neighbouring kingdom was a peaceful lot, but they had heavy artillery. this kept the two kingdoms seperate, and Prince §'s kingdom from simply taking over. This kingdom was watched over by a lovely prince, named Prince Nathan. He was effeminate and waify and loved nothing more than to sing all day.
Long story really short, there was fighting, battles, and eventually Prince § and Prince Nathan got together to come to some sort of treaty. They made a peace pact, which was celebrated with a big party. Prince Nathan sang a song at the party, by which Prince § was transfixed... having found his muse, Prince § sought to marry Prince Nathan. As Prince Nathan was obviously gay, they hit it off right away. The greatest brew-masters in both kingdoms came together to commemorate the union of their nations, forming a drink to symbolize that union (Which just happened to occur around Christmas time, ya know). The only thing they could think of when they thought of the two married men was semen. So, they developed a drink that looked somewhat like it and made it sweet to remind everyone of their happiness.
That, my young lad, is the true story of Nog... well that and ya Know, Nog is that Ferengi guy on DS9. Now go to bed and get on with yer holiday nightmares.
(Clayton D. age 3)
Nog is what is obtained from the ritualistic killing of a las vegas prostitute on her 17th birthday. (the time in her life where she can no longer suck cock proficiently)
(Nick B. age 5)
Ah, the youth of today. Such delightful little scamps. They know not the reasons for life's little mysteries, nor the worries of the world. 'Cept maybe that last kid. He seems scary... at least a little bit. He's gonna grow up to be an angry, angry man. Anyways - Merry Christmas children! May you some day find out what the nog truly is. The truth is in the nog children... the truth is in the nog.