An Interview with His Holiness, Pope John Paul II

*NOTE: This is not a real interview with Pope John Paul II. While we did plan on doing an interview (the Pope frequents thePS quite often and found the interview with NTS hilarious), but there were some scheduling conflicts, and thus I decided to simply make one up. I think the answers that I made up are pretty much what the Pope would have actualy answered had I actually asked him the questions.*

I sat down the other day with Pope John Paul II to do a long awaited nterview. We met at Jaspers in town at around 11:30 at night, and I was a little tired. The Pope was still on Vatican time, so he was good. I came in after he did, and when I did, he had just finished ordering a seafood platter and blessing the waitress. Clearly thsi interview was going to be fun, so I got right to it:

TPS - Good evening sir.

PJP - Ah, hello James! Good to see you.

TPS - Thanks.

PJP - It is not a problem.

TPS - Well, let's get this interview underway: tell us who you are, and what you do.

PJP - My name is John Paul II. I am Pope.

TPS - And what exactly does that entail?

PJP - Well, mostly I run the Catholic religion.

TPS - And how's that working out for you?

PJP - Oh, you know. Some days - they are better than some other days. You know how it is, do you not?

TPS - Well, I suppose so, but...

PJP - Oh but nothing.

TPS - Alright.

PJP - You are right "alright"!

TPS - Um...

PJP - No. I am just joking with you, my son! I am being a funny pope!

TPS - Haha!

PJP - Thank you.

TPS - I mainly have 2 questions to ask you Pope.

PJP - Shoot.

TPS - Okay. First of all, this subject has been debated quite a lot in previous interviews, but with no solid results; how exactly do you become Pope?

PJP - Ah yes...

TPS - I mean, I always just figured that it was a Pope-Battle-Royal typed thing...

PJP - Heh heh.

TPS - And Glenn Barrington in an interview with After School Special figured it was "doing chicks."

PJP - Oh that Glenn! Someday he will make a fine Pope. Haha!

TPS - So yeah, can you tell us: what's the real deal?

PJP - Well James. It is like this. It's like, these high cardinals get, like, all together after the guy who was Pope dies or something. And they decide a list of candidates of who they think can be Pope. Now then, once that list - usually of about 6 - 10 guys, and these guys could be anyone, they don;'t have to be religious. The last guy was a hotdog vendor. Once that list is decided, the group of candidates then meets at the Vatican, out in the B-Ball courts in the backyard.

TPS - Haha! Really?!

PJP - Oh yes. I never lie. What I say is law.

TPS - So, you play basketball to be Pope?

PJP - Yes. Well, it's like... it's a little more complicated than that I suppose.

TPS - Yeah?

PJP - Yes. In the first round, the candidates are divided into 2 teams. These 2 teams then play a round of regulation basketball, or b-ball, the loser goes home. After that, the winning team is broken into smaller teams, and so on, and so on.

TPS - So, you got game then?

PJP - I... I don't follow what it is that yuo are saying.

TPS - Well, you must have been good to get through those rounds.

PJP - Oh yes. I am a master of the 3-pointer my friend.
(at this point, the waitress returned with a cup of coffee for the Pope. I tried to order, but got no response... oh well. So, yeah, the Pope does his coffee up - 3 sugars, no milk or cream - and then the interview resumes.)

TPS - What if there's a tie?

PJP - What?

TPS - What if there's a tie in the final round of the Pope tourament?

PJP - Oh. I was unaware what it was you were talking about. I was sipping my coffee.

TPS - Yeah, I noticed that.

PJP - I know you did, my son. But yes, anyways. There are no ties. God would not let that be.

TPS - I suppose that's true.

PJP - Oh it is. There is no supposing about it.

TPS - Um... alright...

PJP - Haha! I am just being a funny Pope again! I fooled you!

TPS - Yer on fire tonight Pope!

PJP - Someone had better put me out!

TPS - haha

PJP - Before I get burned!

TPS - Hahahah

PJP - Because I took what you said about me being on fire as a literal statement!

TPS - ... um...

PJP - No! I am just kidding again! I'm not, like, retarded or something.

TPS - HAHA! No, yer not!

PJP - No.

TPS - So yeah, let's just go on to the next question.

PJP - Heh, alright.

TPS - Okay, you've got a lot of nick names like "the Pope" or like, "Your Holiness" and other such things: what is you favorite nick name? Or, if you could like, pick your own nickname, what would it be?

PJP - I like the name Pope. It demands authority.

TPS - Yeah?

PJP - Yes. No one will mess with "the Pope."

TPS - This is true. But, what about if you could pick your own nickname?

PJP - Cookie.

TPS - Cookie?

PJP - Cookie.

TPS - Why... why cookie?

PJP - I like cookies. As do many people. Therefore, I would like to be comparable to that.

TPS - Alright. I guess I'll leave that at that.

PJP - Yes. I recommend that you do.

TPS - Haha...

PJP - What are you laughing at? Don't laugh at me.

TPS - Heh...

PJP - I am serious.

TPS - ... um... to finish of this interview, as I do with many of these interviews, who do you think would win in a fight between you, and Kristen MacLean with the ability to stop time?

PJP - Do I get any special abilites or weapons or anything?

TPS - Well, you get your Pope-hat and Pope-mobile, and your golden-Pope-nikes.

PJP - Ah... alright.

TPS - And your sceptre thing, if you so choose.

PJP - And I would choose!

TPS - I thought as much.

PJP - I believe I would win that particular fight.

TPS - And why is that?

PJP - Because the force is strong with me.

TPS - I knew it!

PJP - Knew what?

TPS - I knew that you are Yoda!

PJP - Yes. Yes I am.

TPS - Awesome!

PJP - Yes. I concur. And now I must go back to my home planet.

TPS - Hey! Now there's a good question!

PJP - What is?

TPS - What planet ARE you actually from? They pretty much skip that in all the movies.

PJP - I can't tell you that. You are just to listen to me, and have faith.

TPS - Um... alright?

PJP - Yes. Now, goodbye my son.

(at this, he left Jaspers after blessing the pay-phones, paying his bill, and then, somehow, bringing that stuffed bear back to life. I was most impressed - as were most of the people at the table nearest him. The other tables couldn't really see it. Then, after he left, his seafood platter that he ordered finally came. By this time it was well past 12:30am, so I knew I didn't want it. However, it was already paid for, and I doubt Cookie would have wanted me to waste it. So, I saw Brett and gave it to him. Amen.)