The Semi-Regular Adventures of Pete, the Pirate of Pudding
Chapter 7: A Pete Family Christmas
That's right everybody, it's another great soon-to-be holiday classic from everyone's favorite surly pseudo-swearing pirate, Pete, the Pirate of Pudding! It took a lot to get him to do one of these things, seeing how he hates Christmas, and has no actual family. But that doesn't mean we couldn't get actors to play his family!
Actually no. I've just been informed that we actually COULDN'T get actors to play his family. Some kind of problem with insurance and odour or something. So, I'm not actually sure how this is gonna work, exactly. Maybe it'll just have Pete? That can't be good...
"Yar! It be's okay there, over-talker-man. I gots it covered!"
You do, eh? Well, what did you do exactly?
"That be's none o-yer daisy-eatin' business. I just gots 'er covered. More covered than a Frenchman on a whore's picnic thing."
What does that mean?
"Shut-it! The points bein's, I gots it all taked cares of. She's gonna be one hell ofa show. So just shut-yer gob befores I makes ye walk tha plank. And she's icy waters out there, ya know. Twould be a shame ta see ya get... cancer fer the hollydays."
Um... yes... Well, I suppose I'll let you take it away Pete.
"Well, I would be sayin' a deserves a better than tha, doncha think? I ain't sittin' 'roun here for no weak-eyed intros like tha. No, I tells ya. I ain't..."
Okay, fine. Here, for your viewing pleasure: the scourge of maybe one sea, the guy with a red-uniform from 'Star Trek,' second guy to left, he's pretty unhealthy but is stench is very strong, it's Pete, the Pirate of Pudding!
"Yar! Thankee, thankee. Is good ta be here once agin. Ya knows, when I were first as'ed ta do this here Christmas... thing.. I was like, 'no. I ain't doin' nothin' with no Christmas. I gots better things to pick outta me teeth.' But they was as'in loads, so's I finally gives in, once I recalls that I gots no teeths, and nothin' t'all ta be doin' any better. So, here I is. Now then, time's come ta innerduce the kin. Bring 'em out Pops!... Pops! G'en out here, ya rancid horse-taker!"
Out walks Pops with a large platform, with a very large present over it. Nice silver wrapping over it and the works. We really went all out with this special, eh?
"I don't know if this is such a good idea," said Pops, deploringly to Pete. "I mean, it might just be construed as being wrong, or even 'sad.'"
"I don't be knowin' what ya means by 'contruin'' but t'ain't gonna be no sad faces on me Christmas special. So ships out er shape... er... get the hell outta here Pops! I hates ya worse than the Irish, even if they was French. Or tall!"
"Oh," said Pops, almost in tears, "you don't really mean that, do you Peter?"
"You best bes shuttin' yer trap, ya swarthy... swarth!"
"Oh Peter, I knew you cared!" and with that, Pops pranced off stage, taking the end of the ribbon from the giant present trailing behind him. The ribbon clipped off the giant present, and the walls of it each fell down silumtaneously. On the platform... what's this? Oh! It's Pete's lovely family for this Chrismas Sp... wait... are those just manequins?
"Yes, they be's mane... mane... fake-peoples! Do you be knowin' how hard 'tis ta find real-like peoples? And ta find the ones that be's likin' ta ya - tha's danmed near not-possible. So yeah, doncha be judgin' me, ya damned snippity carazue!"
Carazue...? Did you just make that one up right now?
"Nay! I didn na 'make it up right now'! I been's workin' on tha one fer weeks now! Ya likes?"
...
"I Doesn't cares what you be's thinkin'! This here be's my thing special whate'er, so I can do's what I likes! First guest-person! My first guest person is a real horn-blower, who I doesn't like in the friggin' slightest. He follows after me though, cuz I thinks he gots a thing fer me, if ya knows what I'm sayin'. Here's a big pile of puke in a laddle - me own sidekicker - Pops! he's gonna be doin' some damn jig 'er somethin... I doesn't much care. I's gots booty at plunder, and sleep ta plunder too! Ha! Tha be's a joke... I hates all ya. More than I hates... you. Pops! Get yer sorry foil out in 'ere!"
Pops walks out again on stage, this time with a hankerchief in hand. "Don't let them see you cry... you're going to do just fine. Hello everyone! I hope you are all having a Merry little Christmas - or even a Merry BIG Christmas! Hahaha! Oh my... oh... that was a good one. Alright. I'm here as the musical guest for tonight, as I am the only person Pete actually knows. He said if I didn't do it he'd make me 'take a fly into the soup of lore.' I'm not actually sure what that means, but I can only assume he's referring to that silly plank of his again. Oh well! Fortunately, I was classically trained in theatre singing, so here goes... oh - I suppose I should tell you the song! Haha, I almost forgot. Oh my, where is my head? Anyways - the song I'll be singing to all of you today is a lovely little hit called 'O Holy Night.' I hope you enjoy it... *Ahem*...
O Holy Night.. the...
"Yar, wer'ne that somethin' folks! Useless at ev'erthin' ain't he? But, tha's all the times yer gettin' Pops. Get back stage and get me brine started!"
"But, Peter, " Pops protested, "I was only getting started. I only got out the first few words actually. And that was just the title pretty much! Sure I deserve a bit more time than..."
"You be lookin' here, fork-breath; this be mines-own special. So I does what I pleases! An' when you picks the song that me own ol' mom used ta sing ta me, and sang at me own da's funeral, well I gets a wee upset..."
"Oh Peter, I didn't know!" said Pops apologetically, "I did not know you and your family were so close."
"What is ye talkin' about? I killed me da, and then after me mom sang, I killed 'er too. Then I tooked her purse, I did. Twas all upon a Christmas eve long 'ere ago, if I be's no mistaken..."
"That's... that's just horrible..." Pops said, between wretches.
"Yar, I s'pose tis that but I's... ah, who be's carin'? Get outta 'ere Pops. Tell the next guest he's bein' wanted out 'ere. And you's best be's faster than a woman in line fer the movin' pictures."
"... K?" Pops once again exits the stage, and a few monets later from behind the curtain comes, JIMMY STEWART! WoW!!
"Well... ah... ah... Hello everybody! Merry Christmas everybody! Merry Christmas!" said Jimmy (of course, his mouth was bleeding). "I'm ah... here to tell you the true... ah... ah meaning of Christmas. As a dead celebrity greatly connected to the ah... ah... holidays, I felt it was my... ah... duty to do just that, so I'm here to do so. Now then the true meaning of Christmas is..." But he was quickly interupted by Pete.
"Ar! I be's knowin' you!"
"What? Pete... do... ah.. do ya know me, Pete?!"
"Yar! Knows ya! A'course I does! I remembers you from last year! Yer that jackass! Ye tried ta get me drunk! Hmm... now that I thinks more 'bout it, ya ain't tha bad then. Yar!"
"Ya know me!" Jimmy was very excited at this point, "I... Zuzu's pettals! Zuzu's pettals! There they are! Well, whaddaya know about that?! Merry Christmas! YAY!! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas you wonderful ol' tired bit that I did last year! Merry Christmas Pete!" and with that he ran off screaming. Gotta love Jimmy Stewart.
"Yar! And a happy New years ta ye! In jail! Now why did I be sayin' tha? Nar - tisn't important. The important thing is tha we gets to the end of this damn special as my holiday cheer is gettin' mightily tired, and I is startin' to sober up. Brings out our last Christmas guest then, would ye!"
Out from behind the curtain comes... BO JACKSON! He played 2 sports at the same time, had a cartoon series with Wayne Gretzky and Michael Jordan, and was a major spokesperson for Gator-Ade! Wow!
"Wha the... Bo Jackson?! What be ye doin; here? Why is ye on me Christmas special?!"
"BO KNOWS CHRISTMAS!!"
"Yar... alright. Maybe ye can be's tellin' the story that Loudy McRan-around were gonna tell. If ya call what he be didin' runnin'. More like the way a... Greek would... Yar... I gots nothin'."
"BO KNOWS THE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS!!"
"Well, yar, that be's good."
...
"yar - perhaps ye'd be willin' to tell it then, ya great wall of a man!"
"BO KNOWS... TACTICS!!"
"Does ye even know what yer sayin' then? It seems that someone tooked a double dose of 'retard' this marnin' with their cup o' 'stupid'!"
'HEY! LOOK HERE, FOO!... I MEAN.. UH.. BO KNOWS..."
"Hey... you be waitin' a second there now. Yer not Bo Jackson at'all, be ye? Yer Mr. T, ain't ya?!"
"I'M SORRY PETE. T NEEDS WORK."
"I like the cut o' yer jib T. So I's stealin' it and puttin' er on me ship! Yar! Tha be more humour. Pirate humour. I hates all ye slimey toad-babies. Get outta her T before I gets beat up by ye. Feel free ta kill Pops though. I hates him. Yar - but wish hims a Merry Christmas... he be liken that crap."
"YES SIR, PETE SIR. DIAL 10-10-T-NEEDS-WORK TO SAVE... I'll just go."
"Well, tha were our little special fer the year. Twas truly terrible. Yar. I've been on a lot o' sinkin things before, but ne'er anythin' like this before. I'd like to say I had some fun, and may e'en learn-ed somethin', but that would be's a lie. I still be hatin' all of ye. Get off me webpage!"
And with that, Pete stormed off the stage, really wanting booze, pulling down the curtain, showing a weeping Pops. "I'm sure he didn't mean it folks. He's just been drinking. Heavily. And... oh no! He's coming back!"
"Is ye talkin' fer me now! I'm gonna pound ye to... an hour from now. But ye is gonna feel somethin' sore and... nar! I's be's foolin' with ye Pops! And all ye people who can be readin'. Has a merry Christmas and such. But afters all that done's with, I goes back ta hatin' all ye." And then he ran off again, ripping the head off one of the manequins. "Yar! You be's a looker! Ye'll be me wife! Yar!" As he ran, Jimmy Stewart came over to Pops.
"Ya know ah... ah... what they say doncha Pops?"
"Yes Mr. Stewart," replied Pops, "everytime a pirate gets loaded and storms off his internet Christmas Special, an angel gets his wings."
"That's ah... ah.. that's right Pops. At-a-boy Clarence."